Bias In The System

I used to go to everything.

When Nick started school, there would be multiple opportunities to volunteer. I jumped at them all. I wanted to do everything. I wanted to work in the library and I wanted to help out in the classroom. I wanted to make all the parties and go on all the field trips.

Oh, I had my Gwyneth Paltrow moments of difficulty. I had an infant and a toddler! It was so hard trying to balance these things around pre-school and childcare! And how hard is it to find time to run and buy groceries when I chose to dedicate my time re-shelving copies of The Magic Treehouse and Captain Underpants.

Also, our town seems to be overflowing with volunteers. I have been turned away for field trips because there were too many parents trying to go. I have signed up to bring juice boxes for parties and realized three other moms did also, and all of us over-bought.

But I was there. And even if I didn't make the volunteer times, I was at every concert, every classroom sendoff, every presentation.

Here's the things about Bias. If something is biased in your favor, you might not notice it. But if it swings in the other direction, it becomes really clear.

I am not stupid. I've always known that the school system was biased toward families with a parent at home. It's one of the reasons I chose to stay at home. I wanted to be the kind of parent who could be there for my children.

But now that I'm working, the frequency with which I am asked to leave work for concerts, meetings, assemblies, classroom presentations, is astounding.

You might be rolling your eyes. I mean, it's JUST a classroom presentation. And then a spring concert. And then an end-of-year classroom party for the parents. Not a lot. But that's only for one child (I have three), and it doesn't include the volunteer appreciation assembly (9am on a Friday) or the parent / teacher conferences, or the special field trips that other moms are signing up for.

It sounds like I'm complaining, doesn't it. Say one work to the school administration and all they hear is a mother who doesn't want to spend time with her children, who isn't invested in them. Secretly, I feel they're rolling their eyes and thinking "THIS is why those kids are having such issues! See how disengaged the mother is? Why can't she just make an effort?

Let me say this again, just incase either of us forgot. I am not stupid. Nor am I uninterested or unsupportive.

I WANT to be there for my children. I want to make every party every classroom presentation, every concert, every meeting. I want to go on all the trips and know all the children's names. I used to do that. I liked that.

I can't do that any more. I can't leave work every time. Not every time. Not for three times the fun. I would be at the school more than at home.

The thing is, my kids could also use the support right now. Those other kids? The ones where the moms are all friends and the girls are all giggly and practicing cheerleading at age 8 and wearing heels at the violin concert? I'm going to be mean and say they probably don't need to see parental support as much as my boys right now. Because Circumstances. Because Divorce. Because Working Mom.

I think that children with two working parents probably need to see their parents faces in the crowd more. And if the parents have jobs that are flexible enough to allow them to come to the concerts and class meetings and such, well, good for them.

The people who need support are the ones with the hourly jobs. The ones that are less flexible. The ones that don't pay as much and are more strict with time and less secure. The families under more financial constraints. Those kids probably could use a friendly face in the crowd. It's sad to have your teacher make a special announcement that she'll record your presentation for your parents later, when the other kids have smiling pairs of adults in the back row. It's tough to be the one kid without a parent during the end-of-year party. On top of everything else.

I don't know what the answer is. I know end-of-year parties can't be moved, but I'm not sure why parents need to be involved. Not that I think removing other parents from the classroom is fair just because I can't make it. I know concerts are fun. I know you get more kids to attend during the day, when they're at school anyway. I know we already get plenty of parents during the day. Moving it to the evening would conflict with soccer and cheerleading. It would disrupt the routine of the status quo.

I'm just frustrated at a system that is so clearly set up for who I used to be, and not for who I need to be today.