Makeup

I never wore makeup.

I went through phases where I decided I would be a ‘real’ grown-up and took the time to smudge some of the stuff on my face each morning. The truth is, though, I never quite knew what I was doing or why I was doing it. One morning I would get rushed and forget, and before you know it I would be heading out into the world each day with a naked face.

I was comfortable with that. I never felt as though I needed any help to look like myself. When I put on the slightest amount of lipstick I’d get startled when I looked in the mirror. “Wipe it off!” my brain would scream at me. “We have no idea who that is!”

I had a friend in college who always wore makeup. She never looked garish, never over did it. But every morning she’d put on eyeliner and lipstick before she left her room. I didn’t even realize she did this until the morning I showed up early to walk her to breakfast.

Her face looked different. I had that odd shyness you get when you’re a kid and a favorite teacher suddenly shows up without her glasses, or a familiar uncle shaves his beard. It’s the sensation of knowing the unfamiliar, or of not recognizing something that is yours. This person was the same person, but I didn’t feel as though she was at all. Five minutes and a few strokes of mascara later, everything was rectified, back to normal. Only the face I knew wasn’t her real face at all.

I still don’t like putting on makeup, even as I get older and “need” it more. I use cleansers and exfoliators. I use pore minimizers and scrubs. I use creams to moisturize, tighten, protect, and reduce wrinkles. But until recently, no makeup.

Around the time I started looking for a job, I began applying eyeliner daily.

I didn’t want to overdo it. I don’t look good when I put cover up, concealer, base, whatever you call it all over my face. Unless I’m going on stage, there is no need. Instead, I’d put on a quick dab of eyeliner, a smudge of shadow, some mascara, and probably a swipe of a tinted lip gel. If I’m going out or seemed shiny from moisturizer, I’ll dab some powder on there.

It takes four minutes, if that.

The thing is, I turned around one day as I went to get into the shower, and I was started when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were different. They were… washed out. Flat.

There are three possibilities.

One is that I have become so accustomed to seeing myself with the thin line of grey eyeliner under each eye that I cannot recognize myself without it.

One other is that, as I am getting older and my body is aging, my lower lashes are fading. I finally need the eyeliner to accentuate the lower lashes.

Or, a third option, I have applied so much makeup to the lower lashes that I am rubbing them out, they are falling out, and I am creating the need. Please don’t make it so…

In any case, this topic is on my mind because, for the first time in the history of the world, I have run out of eyeliner. That’s right. I didn’t lose the eyeliner I had. I didn’t let the eyeliner I had get stale and gross. I actually used it all up until the tube was empty. There is no more left. It’s like using a box of crayons down to sharpened stubs. Who does that?