What Elephant?

I am getting a divorce.

I mentioned that here, on this blog. I didn't give any details, and probably won't, not the kind that you'd be looking for. But this event is central to my life right now, so there's no way I can avoid talking about it forever. So I will, in a round-about, non-specific way. The only issue I'm facing at this moment is where to start. I've put this off for so long that I now have quite a few observations to expound upon.

First of all, I feel as though I've been "getting a divorce" forever. Not counting all the heartache, inner deal-making, actual deal-making, the up-close picking apart and examination of certain emotions or thoughts, the outright dismissal of others..... not counting the months leading up to this actual decision, we have been in this process for over four months. I will save my tirade on "the system" for a later date. The end result is that I am caught somewhere in-between. I am still legally married. But I no longer live with my husband. Some people have known since June that our marriage was over, but others still do not, and each time I tell someone it's like picking the scab on a wound.

But it's healing. What I had often heard was that divorce can be a very liberating experience, and some women even declared it should be celebrated. Woohoo! Throw a party! While I find that to be inappropriate in this case, where young children are concerned, I have come to the point where I can see why people say it. There are still many things yet to be settled and determined. However, I am rediscovering myself in a new way. In many ways it sounds selfish, as though I just don't have to think about that other person anymore. But that isn't it.

See, I've always thought about myself within a certain context. I placed myself in a box, if you will. I climbed into it myself years ago when I got married, then got pregnant, then quit my job. We all have our little boxes we have created ourselves out of "can'ts" and "needs" and after awhile we forget that we chose our own limits...

Am I sounding like a bad self-help book? I'm sorry. I don't mean to.

What I'm getting at is that, when I was married, and even when we began this divorce process, I had the idea that there were so many things I couldn't do. Life was supposed to be hard and complicated and now, tragic. I was going to have to give up so many things, such as time spent with my kids. For some reason I feel much more confident in myself these days.

I promise tomorrow's post will be much less wishy-washy and more concrete.