Schadenfreude

So, there is a lot of shame involved in getting a divorce.

There, I said it. I had to get it out there.

Maybe this isn't true for everyone. Maybe there are people out there who are secure enough, confident enough, self centered enough, to think all of the blame is on other people and that each decision they made was completely logical and 100% justified and correct. Maybe they are immune to blame. Maybe they don't even feel ashamed about anything.

I am not one of those people.

Because - and I'm going to speak in the 3rd person here because it is easier and also I'm generalizing - in many cases, when two people who love each other get married, there may be people - friends, family members, even acquaintances - who seem, well, less than thrilled with the chosen spouse. Maybe they have good reasons, but maybe they don't. In any case, the people getting married know it. It can't be hidden  from them, even if nothing is directly addressed. And for some reason - be it that they think the reasons are unjustified, or not important, or just plain surmountable - the couple get married anyway.

When the divorce happens, when you (switch to 2nd person) have to announce that you're getting a divorce, it's like a huge admission of failure. It's announcing to people who are close to you that you chose poorly, or that you failed in maintaining this relationship. In some cases it's a catch 22 - if you get a divorce too soon it's like you didn't try hard enough to save the marriage. But if you wait too long people wonder what you were thinking - get out!

In a lot of cases it might be letting people you know, people you've said "I'm fine, how are you?" to a few hundred times, know that you weren't fine. You were lying. You were pretending. You were doing what polite people do. And maybe the other person won't care, but it creates a sort of schism. Because now it's out on the open that you were being polite and insincere. And the other person either has to confront the fact that they were more invested in the interactions, or that they actually don't care about you enough to have it matter, which is awkward for them. So now it's just awkward.

What I fear most is people being mean about it. Not to my face, because most people are not cruel that way. I mean in their own minds. Human beings can be kind and compassionate. They can be generous and helpful. Most of the people I've spoken to have gone above and beyond to help me out. But humans also have that streak of nasty. We all do it. We all smirk when that celebrity gets arrested for DUI. And we all roll out eyes when That Person we know breaks up with his / her lover, again. It's horrible, just horrible, but it's not us. There's some thrill we get from gossip or misfortune that doesn't belong to us.

And we all have a need to be right, a need to have our beliefs justified. If you were against Obamacare, you were thrilled to hear the website was a mess. Because it makes you more right. It doesn't solve anything. And it doesn't really prove your point, but it might make you feel better.

Well, mixed in with all of this shame and disappointment I'm feeling, I think that, at least a few people, might be experiencing that slight feeling if I-was-right-ness. The told-ya-so instinct, you know? I have it. I've felt it. I have children. I experience this daily. Put on your jacket or you will be cold. If you play with sticks, someone will get hurt. Do your homework now or you'll have too much later. And when I turn out to be right I am frustrated, but there's always this zing of "Ha! I was right!"

It's such a petty thing to feel or think about. Most days I think I've put it behind me, but others I can't get it out of my head.