The Year Of Throwing Things Away

As part of my whole Green phase, I started keeping things.

Wait - backtrack....  it wasn't a phase. When I became more ecologically aware, it was opening my mind to a reality. It was learning something, not a behavior, but a truth. You can't unlearn a truth. Only behaviors.

So... as part of my whole Green... awareness... I started keeping things.

I was keeping things because I felt they could be reused or re-purposed. I was keeping things because I felt consumerism is helping change the environment in negative and harmful ways.

But in order to re-purpose something, in order to re-use items, one has to be crafty. One has to have time. One has to have the ideas and the know how to do so.

Let me find an example.

I kept syrup bottles so I could fill them with homemade oils and vinegars.

I kept socks with holes in them so I could make a quilt or re-purposed socks.

I kept cracked mugs so I could use them as decorative planters.

None of these projects ever got finished. Or started. But I still have the socks.

I kept everything. Bits of paper to wrap gifts in. Old clothing to quilt with. Ribbons to wrap gifts or decorate or craft with... never mind that I no longer have the time to breathe, let alone craft, plant, make infused oils, etc.

I kept all my baby stuff in case someone I knew had a sudden need for a used crib, or a stroller, or a tiny inflatable pool.

I'm clearing things out this year. This year I am giving myself a break and throwing things away. Clothing I don't wear, shoes that hurt, fabric I won't use...

Almost all the things. I'm keeping the holy socks. Because... holy socks.

Busy Busy Lazy Busy

There's so much I want to write about.

Most of the time I sit down in front of my computer and my mind goes blank. I can't remember anything I wanted to say.

Lately I've had lots of topics on my mind.

I just don't have time to sit down and write.

But oh, so many things have been buzzing and going on around here...

Like this: I've learned how to take Selfies! Usually when I'm in bed and too lazy to get up.

Resolutions - 2015

This new year, I resolve to...

loose weight
get back in shape
dress better
take better care of my skin
keep a cleaner house
buy less stuff
keep up with the laundry more
eat better food
read more books
take more baths
breathe more deeply
help more people
spend more time with my kids
prioritize kids over cleaning
play more games with the boys
in a messy house
eating pizza and ice cream and fried apples
and maybe drinking wine

The Dark

Maybe it's because it's been raining the last couple of days, but it's been dark.

Yes, overcast and rainy, but not just that.

When my alarm goes off in the morning, it looks like the middle of the night. It's still dark out.

When I leave work, before 5pm, the sky is already darker, the sun already going down.

Day are shorter.

Nights are longer.

I'm just commenting: It's hard to get out of bed. Harder. Than before.

I Would Like Some Wine

I don't really think that title needs any further elaboration, do you?

It's self explanatory.

But I shall not, because I have self control. And because I need to get up in the morning. And because I'm too darn tired to drag myself out to whatever store one goes to and purchase said wine.

Of course, I also want ice cream.

Ice cream is also full of calories. If I had ice cream, I would also feel guilty, same as the wine. I wouldn't get drunk, though. Which is a plus. Or a drawback, depending on how you look at it. Still, Ice cream is tasty and wonderful and maybe I could talk myself into going to the store for that.

Then again, as long as I'm going out anyway, and as long as I'm at the store... well, the wine is Right There. I could pick up a bottle, as I'm out anyway. A bottle of something dry, to pair with the ice cream.

So now I've gone from being strong and healthy and all denying the bad stuff and eating cucumber slices to having wine and ice cream.

But I don't care because at least I'm happy. And slightly drunk.

Picture Day

Know Thyself

I found this recipe for Baked Butternut Squash & Gouda Tortellini.

It looked so yummy. I immediately thought to myself, "I want to make that."

I don't cook as much as I used to. For one, food is expensive. At least good food is expensive. Also, it takes time to cook. Time is something I don't have. Boys are in bed at 8pm. I get home from work a little after 5pm. Squeeze in to those three hours some karate, homework, baths, and any quality time I spend with the boys that day, and what's left is about five minutes. Not long enough to make a five course meal.

I promise myself one recipe a week. One night a week I can try something new, or make something "fancy" that takes more than fifteen minutes.

This past week it was the butternut squash tortellini.

I started cooking and I had all the optimism in the world.

This brings me to my point... there is a huge difference between wanting to COOK something, and just wanting to EAT it.

I overcooked the squash. I almost missed the vegetable stock entirely. I didn't measure the cheese. I almost forgot the onion. Halfway through the process Nick walked in and crumpled his face up. "You know nobody's going to EAT that, right?"

I made it anyway.

I made huge mess that I needed to clean up. The end result was a completely different color than the picture. I still ate it, mind you. The boys refused, but I didn't really think they would, anyway.

Like I said, a huge different between wanting to COOK it, to actually slice, roast, sautee, puree, etc. and just wanting to order it off of the menu. "That looks good!" I say to myself. "I want to make that!"

But I don't want to make it. I don't want to actually make it at all. I want to eat it. I want to order it. I want to enjoy it, and I want to not slave over it and struggle with it and have it come out with half the ingredients and the wrong color.

I felt like I learned something about myself. It's not that I don't like to cook. Under the right circumstances, I do. When it's not so stressful. When I have adventurous tasters. When I have time and don't feel rushed. THEN I like to cook. Not when I have 40 minutes for a recipe that says it takes 40 minutes (it lies) and the kitchen just got clean.

I will never cook again, I say.

24 hours later I'm flipping through Facebook and run across this: White Beans With Kale. I'm not even 100% sure what polenta is.

And I thought - Wow. I want to make this.

A List

Here's a list of things I forgot to do today, and so will do now, after I write this post:

Sign Nate up for Travel Basketball (Am I crazy? Probably)

Pay Homeowner's Insurance (which is overdue)

Set out Nate's homework for tomorrow night (because if I don't, the only thing he'll do is the bit on the computer.)

do my nails. (OK, who am I kidding. It's just easier to walk around with claws on my fingers and toes than do my nails at this point.)

Oh, Laundry

I get you clean, but you sit down on the counter for days.

I hate you, laundry.

How To Break A Habit

Something was caught on the back of my tongue.

It was something hard and scratchy. It felt kind of like a popcorn kernel skin, only I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten popcorn.

It was so annoying. It scratched every single time I swallowed. I drank a lot of water, ate bread, ate ice cream, even! (oh the sacrifice!) But nothing worked. It moved down my throat a bit, but didn't go away.

This lasted for hours.

It lasted through dinner, dishes, bath time, and stories. It even lasted until I climbed into bed, when finally I told myself there must be something, SOMEthing I could do. Made my way to the bathroom, where I turned on all the lights, held a flashlight on one hand, and a pair of tweezers in the other.

I felt with my finger where it was, and then reached back with the tweezers and began blindly trying to pluck it out.

Now, I realize at this point that I might have appeared slightly insane. No, my actions were not entirely logical, nor even safe. I was stabbing myself in the back of the throat with tweezers. But the little thing caught in my throat was driving me mad!

And then I caught it.

I pulled out the tweezers and looked at what had been driving me crazy.

A fingernail.

It was a fingernail.

And I thought, I really need to stop biting my nails.

The thing is, it felt so good to get it out, I was positively gleeful with relief.

I still haven't stopped biting my nails.

I have more motivation to stop, but this sort of habit isn't something I think about before I dot it. I just find myself with my teeth biting my fingers.

Shoo, Fly

We have flies.

Not just one or two flies, buzzing about the place.

I mean we'll turn around to the sliding glass doors, and ten to fifteen flies will be hanging around in the corner, swapping stories of the old neighborhood and maybe drinking beers.

I flip out. I open the door. I shoo them all outside with a dishtowel. I kill the ones that won't leave. And ten minutes later... more flies.

I think it's because I left trash in the garage for over three weeks. I just couldn't find time to take it to the dump. Or maybe something died in the walls. It's got to be one of those.

In any case, I'm done with flies. I hate them. I hate everything about them. Worse than ladybugs.

That's the official slogan.

FLYS. THEY ARE WORSE THAN LADYBUGS.

Startup Disk Full

Have you ever gotten this message on your computer?

It's terrifying.

You're going along, doing your thing, whatever it is you do on your computer... and the message pops up. Your computer is full. You need to get rid of stuff.

I have no issues getting rid of physical items. I can dig through a closet and harden my heart (sometimes) and fling out underused items of clothing, toys, books, games, etc. It's hard, but my biggest worry is the waste.

With a computer, there is no real waste. I mean, if I delete a file, that file isn't going to end up in a landfill in India for generations of barefoot children to cut their feet on, is it? I delete a file and it's gone. Poof. Magic. One moment it's a movie or a song or a game, and the next moment it's not there. negative space.

So.

So I got this message on my computer.

I deleted some stuff, and I went on with my life.

I tried synching my ipad. My ipad wanted a software update. I said OK.

Then the update couldn't be completed.

Because there wasn't enough room on my computer. My startup disk was almost full.

The last time I got this message on my computer, I went to Steve. Steve said he would fix it, and he did, and it worked for a little while. Then I got a new computer.

The trouble is, every year computers and ipads and iphones come with more and more memory. Apps take up more and more space and they do more and more things. Where 20 games would fit, now only 5 will. The games are bigger and better and clearer. The pictures are better. They just take up more room.

So I woke up in the middle of the night. I do that more often than I care to admit. And after some while of trying to get back to sleep, I caved and googled what to do when your Startup Disk Is Full.

I deleted cashe files. I emptied the trash. I combed through my downloads - and there were quite a few. You want a huge chunk of space taken up in pdf files? Get a divorce.

I went through my itunes folder. I deleted a number of games that I'd had for years that I probably would never play again. They didn't even all fit on my ipad. But I had backups for them, just in case... Oh well. I guess I can live without playing the Alabama Vampire Detective Hidden Object / puzzle game a second time. Purge. That's what this is. It's a purge.

Yes, I paid for the game. Yes, maybe sometime in the future I might have the time and the inclination to actually play that game again.

Will it be the worst thing in the world not to have it?

No. In fact, I might not even remember that it was ever there.

So. Purge.

Throw things out (electronically). Get rid of this old stuff so that I can have new experiences.

The message will come back, I' sure. But at least I have some idea of what to do and what to get rid of when it does.

I Made A List

So, just because I'm not posting anything here on this blog, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about things I want to say here on this blog.

Side note - It was really hard for me to say "here on this blog" instead of "on this here blog."

I think of things all the time. In fact, I write the ideas down. I had a running list of items to write about, topics I could address.

But yesterday I threw it away. And then took the trash to the dump. An amazing sequence of events considering how rarely I do either of those things.

Here's the thing about lists - you can always make a new one. I should do that, so I will actually have something to say.

Like Sand Through The Hourglass...

Time slipped away from me.

I experienced genuine shock this morning when I checked this blog and realized it had been over a week since I'd written. A WEEK! OVER!

The thing is, I have stuff to say. And I've been saying it... just usually to whoever happens to be closest to me at the time. The poor lady in the cube next to me at work has heard all of it. So have some random strangers at the grocery store. Sorry, random people! Sorry, co-worker!

I mean to try harder, but I don't mean to stress myself out. I want to say things, but I don't want to over-share, over-state, or over-do it. Sometimes that means a bit of Time-Gap.

So keep eyes wide open: Posts With Content are on the horizon.

And also, if I can find some, photographs!

We do love photographs.

Sweet Beginnings

I hate February.

I really really hate it. It's overcast and it's cold and grey, even though by mow I'm ready for spring. January is enough for me. And yet, year after year, February settles itself in between the holiday recovery month and the month of March (which is when Spring begins to appear) with it's bland, cold, icy, self.

Sure, February is a short month. And it's a short month full of things like Valentine's Day, Birthdays of various Presidents, my mother's birthday, and an entire week of school vacation. Not to mention Groundhog Day, and Imbolc (the spring equinox). And a whole month of February is Black History Month, or African-American History Month, depending on how you feel like expressing it.

All respect for these important events and occasions aside, I still hate February.

But today, February 1st, is a little different.

It's Ice Cream For Breakfast Day.

We Celebrated. Even me. I strongly urge you to begin observing this sacred day of over-indulgence. It's Awesome, unexpected, and fun. We've gotten to the point where Nick starts counting down the days.

This morning, as we were navigating our way through melting ice-cream and sticky syrups, I asked the boys if they would celebrate Ice-Cream for breakfast day for ever, from now on.

"Yes!" said Nick. "Unless I get diabetic. Then I'll just do it for my family."

I Forgot Everything

Well, Hello there, Internet!

It's been awhile. Sorry. I've been kind of busy getting used to this new lifestyle.

Things are different these days. And I mean really, really different. For example, last year, when I had no job, I would fritter away the hours doing things like cleaning the house, doing the laundry, going food shopping, and cooking for my family.

Wait. No. That was all work. Not the kind of work people usually call "work," but hey, do YOU have fun doing laundry? Or any of those other things? If you say yes, I say you're a liar. Or else I say you should come over Right Now and do that thing you say you like to do. Because I no longer have the time to do them as I used to.

These days I need to fit all of the above into the weekend. That would be Saturday and Sunday. And those days include things such as karate. And church. And basketball. And even if those are every other week due to time spent with their dad, it's a lot to do in two days. I mean, I don't do the cooking, that would be silly. But today I went food shopping, cleaned the house, and did six loads of laundry. Not to mention run to Target because Nick needs dress clothes for his violin recital this week and Andy has been appointed the "bringer of the healthy snack" on Monday.

Doing errands on the weekend is strange. I used to do all my errands on weekend, but for the past ten years I've orchestrated my life around avoiding that very thing. I would go any day of the week, but not the weekend. Why? Well, it's crowded, for one. Because there are apparently a lot of people who work during the week and can ONLY shop on weekends. Many of these people do this as a family. This confuses me. Not the single parents with the kids, but the ones with two parents. Why do they do it that way? I mean, it's nice that they share the chore, but I wonder why they don't take turns. I would volunteer to stay at home with the kids.

Also, some places are not open during the weekend. Did you now the post office closes at noon on Saturdays? I learned this at about ten past noon this morning, when I tried to mail a package. I'm going to have to leave work early and rush to the post office if  want to mail anything, or else wait for next week. SERIOUS cramp in my lifestyle.

But I got a lot done. Hooray! I'm just about at the point where I can sit down with a cup of tea and a notebook and do a little writing, something I haven't done it awhile.

Of course, tomorrow I will have to fold all six loads of laundry, but I'll get to it.

Peace, Joy, and Health

T'was the day before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse.

The sun rose and still
The pets slept without care
'Cause the boys that lived
In the house weren't there.

The mom, she was tired
And not yet done napping,
For very late into the night
She'd been wrapping.

The day stretched ahead
With cleaning and baking,
And would end at the church
With some fun music making.

She'd run back to the house
When that was done
Where her boys would be waiting
Fresh from Christmas Even Fun.

This year is different.
This year is new.
But the message carried
On by this season is true

The days will get brighter.
Up ahead, there is hope.
Remember that, when you're
At the end of your rope.

And today, take a breath.
Let it out. Take another.
While I spell out the things
We all wish for each other.

I wish you all Happiness,
Peace, Joy, and Health.
I wish you all Comfort,
And Spiritual Wealth.

May your Holiday Time
Be full of great cheer,
May Love and Compassion
Be with you this year

Now I have to go,
'Cause on time, I am tight.
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a Good Night!

Hard To Shop For

I never know what to get anybody.

This video.... didn't really help. Much.

But it made me feel better about not knowing what to get folks. Maybe I'll just make everyone some cookies.

Seriously, people should consider charity gifts. More often than they do.

Nate's Poetry

Nathan is working on a poetry unit in school.

This means that they're reading some different kinds of poetry, and also that he's writing some poems himself. He likes doing this a lot, and last night he informed me that when he grew up he was going to be a poet.

We had a short conversation about being a poet. I told him I thought he's be good at it, but that it was hard to make a living that way.

His response was to hand me three poems this morning for me to post.  "And for every 'like' I get, you give me a dollar.

We haggled, and now I'm giving him a quarter for every comment left below. Remember, he's buying holiday gifts for some of you people. You might want to leave a couple of words.

Seriously, the last one is my favorite.


Christmas

Santa present
Red and red
Soon Santa's coming
So go to bed



Cookies

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I know that cookies
Can be, too!



Rush Hour In The City

The trains are gone,
The busses are taken,
The cabs are, too.
Finally, there is a cab,
And I looked at my watch.
It was too bad.
I was late for work.

We've Got To Get Organized

Everyone has this kind of a conversation: you're talking to a friend you haven't see in awhile, either on the phone or in person. You realize you're having a good time. "We should do this more often!" you say. Or if you're on the phone you say (or type) We should get together for coffee / drinks / a movie.

You both agree.

Then you try to set a date.

"What are you doing Tuesday?"

"Tuesday's no good. I have a class. How about Wednesday?"

"Oh, no, I can't! I have a work thing. Friday?"

"We're out of town until Sunday. What about Wednesday next week?"

"I can't. Starting that month I'm working nights. The next weekend?"

"Hmm... I can fit you in on Saturday Afternoon?"

"Great! No - wait, shoot! That's the afternoon my cousin is in town! I told her I'd take her to see a show."

And so it goes. One thing, then another, until you just table the discussion and hope you run into each other before a space opens up in your schedule.

Now imagine you have four people to schedule. Yes, they are small and short, but they do karate and piano and violin. They have doctor's appointments and dentist appointments and they get warts and need to see dermatologists. They join groups after school which you fully support until you realize you have to coach. But that's OK, you'd have to be there anyway to take them to and from the meetings.

I was trying to schedule an appointment for Nick. It's the kind of thing that may become recurring, so I was trying to get it after school. With someone who takes our insurance. While I was at it, I may as well have requested this water be turned into wine and for this loaf of bread to take us through Thanksgiving, because nobody seemed to be able to help us out. They were empathetic, but there was nothing they could do.

And then I found a place that was willing to work with me. It was farther than the other places - about 8 miles. But they said yes!

Could I do Wednesdays? Well, I could. But Wednesdays we had Karate at 4:15 and then Piano at 6:30, 7 miles away in the other direction. Thursdays? Well, Nate and Andy have DI on Thursdays, and it's over at 4pm. We could do after 4pm if we skipped the weapons karate class and the advances karate class... And Nick might have DI on Thursdays, or it might be on Fridays. We don't know yet.

Finally we settled on a Saturday. It would be after the morning karate class. But there was a catch. I was out of town for the weekend. I'd be on my way back, but still, I couldn't drive him the 8 miles. I had to get Steve to do it.

But I scheduled it anyway.

And then I asked Steve. And he said fine. No problem. He'd take him. The driving wasn't a big deal. But there was this birthday party for this kid we know and it was on that day.

I'm about to call and reschedule the appointment because of this birthday party. It makes sense on some level, I swear. Also, I've decided we do too much karate. It seems to be getting in the way of other things. Like cooking.

I feel a little bit Like This.