Where The Heart Is

I have been gone for a few days. Not just from the internet, but from my home. I took a trip to Tennessee to visit my Aunt Betty and see how she's doing.

The trip away seemed like more than just a change of location. It was a trip to a different world. And yes, Tennessee is pretty different from New Hampshire in many ways. For one thing, it was a hundred degrees there. 100. Degrees. Hot. And humid. And sometimes, in the afternoon, it would rain, and the world would suddenly be under a huge waterfall. And when it stopped, it was not one bit cooler. Nope, not one little eensy weensy bit. It was just hot and wetter.

Sometimes I write about decisions Steve and I need to make about our children that have no right answer. Do we throw the child in the water screaming, or tell him it's fine if he never learns to swim? Neither answer feels right. Things like that.

Without going into too many details, Betty is currently living in a facility for elderly people suffering from memory loss. Visiting her was a shock to me, as her mind and body have both degenerated since I last saw her in April. I'm not sure if she couldn't find words to speak with me, or if she would lose her train of thought as soon as she started speaking. I spent a lot of time sitting, staring at walls or out of windows, and wondering if she knew I was me, her niece, or if she thought I was one of her caretakers.

I have visited assisted living facilities before, but none like this, that require a code to get in and out, and where the residents are so confused. There is no right choice to be made, here. Everything is wrong. I felt I couldn't leave Betty in such a place, but I also know she can't exist out of it. She needs someone sitting with her 24 hours a day. Worse than a toddler, because Betty still thinks she can drive. What do you do in a situation like this? Especially when she is far away from all her family?

Tough choices aside, the visit really made me cherish my mind and my physical abilities. I left determined to take better care of myself, to keep my mind sharp, to keep my body strong, and to take calcium supplements ALL THE TIME. So every night I went back to my hotel room, stuffed myself full of Kroger's brand cookies, and fell asleep at 8pm watching reruns of Law and Order without brushing my teeth.

And now I'm home. I'm glad to be here.