Donkey Fable

There was this story, this fable, that I remember hearing when I was a little girl. The way I remember it, a man and his son were walking their donkey into town. And on their way they passed some people and overheard them saying "Foolish people! Why are they both walking when one of them could be riding the donkey?" So the son climbed on the donkey and on they went until they passed another group of people. This time they overheard people saying "Selfish son! Riding that donkey while his poor old father has to walk!" So the son hopped down and the father hopped on up, and on they went. Until they passed yet another group of people. "Poor donkey! Having to walk all that way with that heavy man on his back!" And the end result was that father and son ended up in town carrying the donkey.

The moral of the story is: You can't please everyone.

I know that this moral can apply to life in general, and to any particular aspect of life. But lately I've been thinking of how it applies to parenthood, in particular.

Because there's no way you could win, with parenthood. Starting from the very moment you find out you're pregnant, everyone has some idea of what you can't or can't do. You can't drink. But some women will have a drink while pregnant. Others will actually smoke. Which I find horrific. But many women also find it horrific when a mom-to-be has a large cup of coffee. Which I did most every day. And some pregnant women actually watch things like sugar intake, protein, and... um... salt. Or whatever.

Not that I'm pregnant. I'm not. But the thing is, it keeps going. To how you give birth - drugs, or no drugs? Then breastfeeding? Some people think if you don't, you're selfish, lazy, and putting your child's future health at risk. But don't breastfeed too long. Or you're turning your child into a freak. Or if you're on the other end of the argument, don't stop too soon. And don't let them fall asleep with a bottle, ever. Or a pacifier. And don't give them solid food too soon. But for heaven's sake, don't wait too long. And don't give them any of those "allergenic" foods, like eggs, or peanuts, or strawberry, or anything dairy. At all. Because if you do, you're a horrible mother. On the other hand, you don't want to be one of those parents with a child who is "sensitive" to everything. (Some people think giving your kids peanuts too soon will cause them to have allergies later on, and some people think not giving them nuts soon enough causes the allergies.) And if you don't force your children to eat only organic foods you're endangering their welfare. And while some people think I'm crazy to limit TV time, other people are horrified that I let such small children watch any at all.

The same goes for child safety. A lot of parents think I'm insane for not installing baby gates because my kids might fall down the stairs... on the other hand, my kids learn how to go up and down stairs much earlier than some 'other' people's kids. And I have bent my mind into a pretzels trying to find the line between watching my kids too much and not watching them enough, between telling them what to do and letting them make their own choices, and deciding if it's more important to help Nathan, who's peed his pants and has his shirt tangled over his head and is wailing and sobbing, or to stop Andy, who is methodically climbing up the dresser, which is wobbling, to reach the hot poisonous knives.

Some days I feel as though everyone is watching me and rolling their eyes, judging the job I'm doing as a mother because my kids are loud or excited or cranky. And I honestly don't know what it is I'm supposed to do, or what it is the other parents expect me to so. Or even, in some circumstances, what STEVE expects me to do. If I try the patient, calm, quiet voice approach, I can only speak to one child at a time, and it appears as though I am letting the other two run wild. If I resort to yelling, I look like... well, someone who yells at her kids a lot. Because I've tried yelling, and it doesn't really work, and usually just leads to more yelling.

There's no real way to do this right.