When I picture myself as a mother I like to think of someone who is bright and thoughtful, expressive, gentle, and overall HAPPY. Someone who smiles a lot.
The thing is, I know that, more often than not, I am not this person. I can tell because, most of the time, when I hear my own voice, it is yelling or screeching or lecturing.
Yesterday I got so tired of hearing my own voice that I just stopped talking. It didn't matter. The boys were going to keep on doing what they were doing ANYWAY, so what was the point?
And the thing is, I feel defeated. I don't know what to do. I love my kids. I happen to think they are the best kids in the world. But they can be out of control, and yesterday was one of those days. One of those days when I just wanted five minutes to figure out how to trim videos - so that I could just post the parts of the video that MATTER and not the gobblety gook in between... and I ended up with a screaming, sobbing Nate - because I wasn't sharing the videos with HIM because when he sits on my lap at the computer he tens to - I don't know - PRESS EVERY KEY AND MESS EVERYTHING UP! Five minutes later every single blanket from the living room - including the basket they belong in - were in the middle of my kitchen floor. WHen I pointed to the living room (as in "take these back where they belong RIGHT NOW) I noticed something funny about the living room rug. Which is to say that it had been folded up like a sheet of paper. THEY REMOVED MY RUG!
Seriously. My house. My furniture. They move it, wreck it, climb on it. They hide things. They talk to themselves without stopping. The other day I realized Nicholas was still talking a mile a minute in the bathroom. By himself.
And yesterday after bath, a time when they are supposed to be at their most calm, both boys ended up with pull-ups on their heads, otherwise naked, trying to sit on each other and stab each other with toothbrushes.
I feel like I have to say something because I am dreading today. I love my boys, but I don't want to play with them anymore for awhile. It may sound childish, but they hurt my feelings. And they are driving me insane. And the more I try to give them choices and to find ways for them to work out their energy, the more insane they become. And the more I yell. And the more I hate myself for sounding like a crazy lunatic of a woman.
Sorry. I guess I could use a vacation from motherhood and a good dose of spring.
6 comments:
if you didn't feel defeated from time to time, you wouldn't be human...you'd be a game show host...what is that from?
At least you constantly seemed to be filled with interesting anecdotes. It occurred to me the other day that if I started another blog of my own, it'd be more boring than reading a phone book. There would be entries like, "Today I had an argument with Finance about some expenditure approval forms," and then on the bottom it would read "comments: zero"
The boys are just so little Kathleen, and they will grow out of most of their more exhausting habbits in due time. I know that's little consolation right now, but you ARE gentle, thoughtful and expressive and I don't know anyone who thinks differently. that should make you feel good. And if there is someone out there who thinks differently, I probably wouldn't get along with that person.
Time to go, but I love you!!
Yes, Fleen, you definitely ARE gentle, thoughtful, and expressive, and an absolutely AMAZING mom! And Jamie is right, if you didn't experience some feelings of frustrations, I would be concerned that you had been turned into a Stepford Wife.
You are doing an amazing job and it is OKAY to want a break. And okay to feel frustrated. And also remember that this is their age. Nick is talking a mile a minute to himself because he is practicing his vocabulary. The fact that they have so much energy and joy inside them is a testament to your wonderful parenting skills. They are the creative, exploratory and playful balls of energy BECAUSE they are so loved and cared for. I love reading stories of your kids and the wonderful variety of activities you provide for them. Or hearing the creative ideas that they have come up with (Ocean Tea!) And I think you do a fabulous job. And I love you lots. Oh and happy belated Imbolc!
I agree with all of the above -- so well said and well deserved.
Hang in there Kathleen, Spring is around the corner and the boys will be running and playing outside soon enough and using up SOME of their pent up energy.
Sounds like you all have your own version of cabin fever right now.
You can do it Kathleen although somtimes it feels you can't. When it all gets too much take deep breaths. If you can make sure that things are safe (well that is actually impossible cos kids are good at doing what you never imagined they would) so relatively safe then don't worry about the days that make you feel you are wallowing in chaos. maybe join in occasionally and go wild yourself. That might give them something to think about. You have got lots of good advice from your family/ friends and hear what they say about you cos they are close enough to know. You are doing a good job. Its just called being a mother and we don't often get thanked.
Big hugs Kathleen.
First of all, I just want to congratulate you on being so honest. You put yourself out there, troubles and all for everyone to see. BUT, we can also see how kind and funny and thoughtful and loving and gentle and... you are. You are gonna get through this stage. It is just a stage, it can't last for ever. All too soon they'll be teenagers, and you'll be wishing they were babies again ;-)
Anyway, I was wondering if there is anyone that you could get together with once a week - another family in a similar siuation that you could meet with. Someone that you could share the chaos with, that you could just spend a whole morning\afternoon\day with just being. That way the kids would have some different people to tourment, and you'd have some adult company, and someone to tell you at firsthand that you are a great Mom and you're doing a fantastic job looking after your boys.
(Cos we can see that, but sometimes you need someone who's actually in the situation with you to say it too)
Spring is on the way!
Post a Comment