Shock to my School System

The first time I left Nicholas with a babysitter (and by babysitter I mean a person who is not his father, his grandparent, or any other direct relative, and for a length of time that is longer than an hour) was when he was 8 weeks old. It was with Lauren, a close friend of the family, and someone I have known her WHOLE LIFE. I knew that she loved children, I had seen her in action, and I felt OK with it. I also knew she was an adult, and I also knew that - in a wrost case scenario - she could call the police, her mother, or me.

Since then I've mellowed out a bit. I have left my children with teenage college students, with friends of my sisters, and random Mexican hotel workers (we were in Mexico). Taxi drivers. Wait staff. Flight attendants. Watch my kid? Thanks! Of course I'm kidding.

The one thing all the people watching my kid all had in common is that they were all focused on my kid. Here's my child. "Hello!" They all said. And they immediately went along with Nick's agenda, looking at what he wanted them to look at, playing with them, etc.

Today I dropped Nick off at school. AT first there was only one screaming child in the room. (And his mother was down the hall, she hadn't even left yet. ) I tried to show Nick his cubby, where his stuffy and his blanky were. I gave him the My Family collage we made together, and he gave it to his teacher. But then... then he started playing with the toys. And more kids started showing up and talking to the teachers. The one kid was still crying, even thoughhis mother had come back. The room was getting more and more crowded, and Nathan was getting antsy. So I said "Nicholas, I'm giving you a hug goodbye, OK? I'll see you this afternoon." And I pointed out his teachers to him again. He gave me a hug, glanced at his teachers, and kept playing. I left. The teachers were, of course, talking to the other mothers. None of them looked close to saying goodbye.

Moments after I left I began having doubts. Was this right? The teachers looked at me kind of funny - and it is the first day. Was I supposed to stay? everyone else looked like it. Were they not expecting him? Sure, his name was on the cubby, but... I felt like crying. Why wasn't he sad to see me go? What if he didn't realize I was leaving? And then he noticed I was gone and started to cry? Would anyone comfort him? What if Nick had tried to follow me out and no one noticed? No one was REALLY paying attention to him. Because there were so many other kids. And mothers. All monopolizing the teachers' time. I didn't get the chance to tell them about his nursemaids elbow, or about how he might have trouble taking a nap in a strange place. Or about how he would need help with his lunch, getting the zip-locs open. Because the teachers were TOO BUSY! With those OTHER CHILDREN who were NOT MINE!

I thought I would be rejoicing, feeling light and free, dancing around with my one remaining child, doing all sorts of things with this FREE TIME. But instead I feel like I left one of my limbs in that classroom. I am staring at the clock, impatient for 3pm to come around. I want to rush in to pick him up and see how his day was. I want them to tell me he did OK, and that he played with other kids, and sang songs and cried a little bit when it was time to leave the playground. I want them to hand me a picture he drew and tell me ha has goon manners, but that he needs to learn how to use a tissue. Anything. I just want them to talk to me about my child. But I know it will be just as crazy and crowded with other parents.

If Nick tells me he had fun, then that would be OK, too.