Food For Thought

One of these "How To" books I've read compares pregnancy to a slow rate of starvation. I laughed when I read this, even though I'd been pregnant twice already. I mean, COME ONE! Pregnancy? Starvation? Different.

But in the end, not so different.

I have never really been hungry like people all over the world are hungry every day. I have always had food available to me in some form or another, even if it was only a few very stale very chocolate donuts at 3am, or Ramen with frozen chicken patties (see Theatre Company In Maine Woods = Bad Idea). I have always been able to afford a Wonka bar, and usually a Bic Mac to go with it. I recognize that, in this way, I have always been lucky.

But pregnancy hunger is different. Pregnancy hunger is the kind of hunger that will have me creeping downstairs at 3am for Cheerios because if I don't I might roll over and suck out my husband's brains. Pregnancy Hunger is what causes me to scarf down half a bag of stale Cheetos, even though I have always HATED Cheetos ever since I was eleven and that homeless guy got too close while yelling intimate things about parts of my anatomy I didn't have yet, and the vomit on his beard smelled like Cheeto Cheese.

As soon as the doctor confirmed my pregnancy they gave me a long list of foods to avoid, rattling off each item as though it were no big deal. No alcohol. No soft cheeses. Avoid fish that might be contaminated with mercury. No sushi. No raw or undercooked meats. No deli meats unless they have been steamed. Try to cut down on caffeine. Try to cut down on artificial sweeteners. Cut down on fats. Eat whole grains. Protein. Honestly, between the stuff that I can't eat because they said so and the stuff that I can't eat because it turns my stomach, this is what I'm left with: Cheerios, Stale Cheetos, Cheddar Cheese.

It's the Chee diet.